you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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