Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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