You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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