and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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