this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
