they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
