someone threw a dead crab at me
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
