Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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