Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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