Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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