Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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