She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
