remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
