Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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