Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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