Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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