I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
