My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
