I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
