It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
