hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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