I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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