Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
