So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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