whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
