I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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