Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
