my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
