If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
