Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
