I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
