As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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