Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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