That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Your penis caused this!
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