I didn't shave. On purpose
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
