I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
