you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
