i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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