Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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