i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I need a beard to bite.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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