dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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