i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
