i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
