for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
