somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
