he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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