Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
