Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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