I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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