He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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