I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
