Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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