the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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